Earlier this week I posted a cartoon and said that it was a good prequel to a post I was working on. Well, I scrapped that post.
It’s not that it wasn’t a good post or that it wasn’t something I wanted to say but, it was written in the heat of the moment when I was having a moment of my own. It was a moment where I had a million emotions swirling around in my head and my heart and I couldn’t find the words to express any of it. It was like the email you write to your boss but don’t hit send because you feel so much better just having written the words.
That doesn’t mean the point doesn’t deserve a conversation though. So after reading it several times and giving myself time to think and analyze, here is the revised version of that overly emotional rant.
On Saturday night I posted this on Twitter:
What do you do when there’s so much you want to say but you can’t get the words out? When a flood of emotions scrambles your words?
At the time, something had happened that I knew would happen eventually but, for which, I was completely unprepared. In a matter of seconds I was flooded with excitement, shock, sadness, jealousy, anger, disgust, happiness and more shock. I had so much I wanted to say starting with, “I don’t think that’s a great idea.” but what came out was “Ok.” I was so flooded with emotion that I had no idea what to say or how to say it. The words were in my head but I couldn’t put them together into a complete sentence. So I just went along with it.
I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to vent. To babel. To spit out all these words to someone who wouldn’t care that they didn’t make sense but, would understand my situation. I sent a text message to my best friend. She didn’t answer so I called. Still no answer. I waited and called again 10 minutes later but got no answer. Then I got a text message from her. She was out to dinner, what was going on? I told her the short version but I ended it with “but if you’re busy don’t worry about it.” What I really meant was “I’m freaking out and I really need to talk to you before my heart explodes out of my chest.” That’s not what I said though. So she went on with her dinner and off to a movie. And I was still suffocating. This repeated itself in different forms a couple of other times but I did have one friend who, when I said “if you’re busy, don’t worry about it.” said, “No. What’s going on?” And for that, I am eternally grateful.
That night I had been so frustrated and irritated that I actually blamed my friend for not being there for me. That’s right. I wanted to blame her for not reading my mind. How dare she? Looking back, it’s more like, how dare I? I never said that I needed to talk and I brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal. Yet, I expected her to take time out of what she was doing so I could rant. That’s how we got to this post.
I have a terrible habit of not saying what I want to say if I feel like I’m going to inconvenience someone. The (non)conversation with my best friend is a prime example. I never actually told her I needed to talk. Had I done so, she probably would have stepped away from her dinner and let me rant. In the cartoon, the woman keeps saying that she doesn’t mind if her husband goes out but then fumes when he actually leaves. If she had just said what she wanted to, he would have stayed.
Why am I so concerned with inconveniencing a friend when, if the situation was reversed, I would never consider it an inconvenience? Anyone else? How do you stop censoring yourself when you know you shouldn’t?