Observations from Traffic Court

Traffic court is a great place to go for some fun people watching. I mean, the reason you’re there isn’t really fun but, make the most of it. I had to go on Tuesday morning and I wrote a sarcastic/semi-helpful FAQ about it.  I also made some fun observations I wanted to share.

  • Whether you are male or female, neck tattoos are in. More specifically, tattooing someone’s name on your neck is in.  I counted no less than 7 in a crowd of about 20.
  • Wearing sweatpants, baggy pants or your hooker dress to traffic court is totally acceptable.  If the only thing covering your ass is your boxers than you’re in even better shape.
  • Reading is frowned upon.  Bringing a book to traffic court is like bring food into a library.
  • Carrying your cellphone charger around in your pocket is common now.  I’ve seen this occur recently at more than just traffic court so, it must be acceptable. Don’t expect to be able to plug it in while you wait, though.  Also, don’t ask if you can.
  • It’s a great idea to argue with the bailiff while you’re in court.  He may have told you no talking but, you’re pregnant and your husband is just there to keep your sad self occupied. The bailiff should totally understand this and not kick him out.  You should also argue about keeping your baseball cap on because you’re balding and it’s embarrassing. Again, he’ll totally understand.
  • Don’t listen to the judge’s instructions. They are completely unimportant and it’s much more important for you to argue that you’re only saying “guilty” because you have to. That will totally help your case.
  • Serious observation…if you don’t put enough quarters in the parking meter, and end up over by 6 minutes, you will get a parking ticket while in traffic court. It’s Murphy’s Law or something.

And that is what I learned at traffic court. Now excuse me while I write up explanation to mail in with my parking ticket.  Yes, you can plead “Guilty with Explanation” and I plan to do that. I’ll let you know what happens…I predict them laughing at me.


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